THE DENTIST AND HIS CUSTOMER

Dr. Shallow, my dear, says I
Have got any remedies here, says I
To relieve a poor suffering youth, says I
With a painful and broken tooth, says I

And then says Dr. Shallow, says he
As you look like a decent fellow, says he
Will you just step inside for a while, says he
While I get my hammer and file, says he
And with these, and my fingers and thumbs, says he
I'll take a survey of your gums, says he
And be not in the least dismayed, says he
For, if it is bad, old, or decayed, says he
I'll whip it clear out of your head, says he
And put in a new one instead, says he
But before I complete the job, says he
You must put your hand in your fob, says he
And hand me out ten bob! says he

I don't mind for the cash, says I
Provided you make it quite flash, says I
So that it will never fall out, says I
At the opening or shutting of my mouth! says I

As for that, the devil a fear, says he
You may open it from ear to ear, says he
And no one will ever suspect, says he
Nor the imposition detect, says he
I'll do the thing so nate, says he
But you mustn't be eating tough mate, says he
Nor indulging in fiery debate, says he
In fact, don't have too much prate, says he
But for fear you, I'll put it in pearl, says he
But be careful when kissing a girl, says he
For when you are smacking her lips, says he
The suction might cause it to slip, says he
And till you draw your last breath, says he
You'll never have cause to regret, says he
The money you spent on that tooth, says he
For twill give you perpetual youth, says he
And when all the rest are decayed, says he
Twill be good as the day it was made says he!

I got in the tooth, at all events, and went home, and came back the next morning, and thus accosted Dr. Shallow:

Dr. Shallow, my jewel, says I
Did you think me an ass or a fool? says I
You made me believe for truth, says I
That you gave me a genuine tooth, says I
I went home last night in great glee, says I
With my hear as light as a bee, says I
And visions of gladness and joy, says I
Were floating before my minds eyes, says I
When, lo! The first morsel I ate, says I
Your tooth tumbled out on the plate, says I
And only for 'twouldn't be right, says I
I'd swear for a thing as light, says I
I'd actually give you my oath, says I
That it nearly stuck in my throat, says I
And now I am come back again, says I
To thank you to fork out my tin, says I
If you don't information I'll swear, says I
For swindling before the Lord Mayor, says I
And then you'll be clapped into jail, says I
And you won't be admitted to bail, says I
And perhaps to make work your condition, says I
You'll be tried by a special commission, says I!

And, then says Dr. Shallow, says he
(And his voice sounded loud and hollow to me)
You are a damned and impertinent fellow, says he
To think for your paltry self, says he
As distinguished a man as myself, says he
Would stain his illustrious name, says he
And forfeit the world's wide fame, says he
A name that in after time, says he
Shall ring through every clime, says he
When that of the statesman and sage, says he
Shall have faded from history's page, says he
And when he from New Zealand shall stand, says he
With his pencil and sketch-book in hand, says he
After time progressing marches, says he
On the shattered and broken arches, says he
Of the bridge that now spans the Thames, says he
That monarch of filthy strames, says he
To sketch the ruins of St. Paul's, says he
That were told in the book of M'Caul's, says he
My name shall shine forth as bright, says he
As the star that heralds the night, says he
It shall shine forth till doom's mighty crash, says he
Shall drive planets and systems to smash, says he
I made teeth for Lord Donoughmore, says he . . .

[Unfortunately I lost the last few lines. The customer goes home disappointed with tooth in hand. Watch this space.]